#Poesia – SILENCE

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SILENCE

I relish silence
crave it
seeking quiet
at the most inopportune moments
finding it difficult
to make connections
meet new souls

It’s both a weapon
and a shield
protecting others
from my caustic tongue
and careless words
safeguarding me
from the norms
and necessities
of social circles and
life’s inanities

“I am an introvert”
when really
I just want stillness
and white light
energy to craft
create
illuminate

Plus I hate bullshit
abhor jokes
detest flirting

He loves words
better spoken
than written
especially against the shell of an ear
or the curve of a throat

His growl of a voice
takes them
manipulates them
shapes them
into tools of seduction
wrapping them around my soul
whispering them into my cracks
kissing them into my skin

Even his written notes
demand attention
crying out “read me!”
then respond
and make it verbal diarrhea
because I want to know all
your fears
wants
desires
vulnerabilities
and toss in a naked picture here and there
#wickedsmirk

He and I
have engaged
in this back and forth
for months
words
upon words
upon words
so many
too many
shared
gasped
sighed
almost-cried

And when I ask
“why the fuck am I doing this?”
he scoffs
and brushes aside my trepidation
my need to hold my words close
selfishly to my chest
speaking little
almost nothing
he pulls them from me
begs for them
yearns
and I give in
again and again

Because he is fabulous
and wonderful
and holy fuck
he is fire
the kind that ignites you first
from within
a slow burn
that sneaks up
and before you know it
every inch of you is aflame

That is him
and I want all of it
every day
all day

Which makes this silence
his silence
unbearable
cruel comfort
for an uncomfortable soul
despite the fact
I knew this day would come
it was inevitable
from the first time
we encountered one another
doomed to end
before we began

And yet

His silence saddens
after being so open
and in the now
sharing the mundane
and the amusing
the random tidbit
the offhand remark
to suddenly face this nothing
bores a hole into me
like no other

The girl who craves quiet
no spoken words
stillness
hates this
and wants to shout
scream
ask for his words

But I don’t dare
because I get it
the silence
the pullback
the disappearance
we were fucked from the beginning
over before we spoke one word
and even though I knew this
his choice hurts

It’s borne of our impossibility
but also my status quo
instability
fuckery
so I shall say nothing
write nothing
do nothing
but slip back into my shell
of quiet
no words
silence

and pretend to be the girl who
relishes the silence
craves no words
seeks quiet
all the while
missing him


As always, these #Poesia pieces are works of fiction, erupting from my incredibly over-active imagination. They are unedited and unscripted, super loose and probably some of my favorite works. They are perfect in their imperfections and I hope you enjoy.

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